Unsettled

This summer I am embarking on an unsettled life, where my home varies from week to week and there is a constant back and forth on the subject of where I need to be. Over my Christmas break, while setting up projects and materials for a holiday themed family art day, I agreed with my director that I would be returning to teach another whirlwind round of art classes over the summer. However, only a couple of months later I conveniently landed myself a job that requires me to come in every weekend and be on call for other duties.

Not wanting to lose this Pittsburgh job, and being faithful to the employment back home that will help me forge a future, I have decided to go back and forth every week in order to fulfill those duties.

It being the first of the month, I am now realizing what I have committed myself to and I am nervous. There will be no days off for me until August, and by then I'll have started my last year of school. Sundays will end up being my major travel days, either hopping on Megabus or driving to Central Nowhere. Then Monday thru Thursday I work long long hours. Not a typical 9-5 job. I usually get myself to the art center around 7, realizing that I need to get a jump on preparing some insane project I had the day before. Then all the camps roll in and I am on fire, jumping from student to student, providing clay, paints, feathers, paper, anything to keep the day going and the time interesting. There is no lunch break, for I am cleaning up the room and prepping for the next 20 children to roll in. My day of teaching usually ends at 4, where I meet up with the directors and go over the day. What worked for the kids? Who needs more guidance? I noticed so and so has a problem with this person, lets find a way to get him/her to bond with another child. Then after the directors have left I am using whatever strength I have left to scrub tables raw and sweep up impossible chunks of glitter or pugging clay for the next week. When it gets dark, I finally leave.

I was certainly able to handle it last summer, but that was because I rarely, if ever, worked on weekends. Two glorious days! Nothing! Yet I am becoming older, and grasping the fact that I shall not always lead such a charmed, easy going lifestyle.

Yet despite the constant back and forth, I am excited. Everyday there will be something new. There will be no opportunity to sit around and become jittery, searching for a way to release all my energy. I'll somewhat return to the lifestyle of traveling, where my home is not constant and the people around me change frequently.

That is what I enjoy doing. Living a life in monotony is not something I desire to have at any point in my life. A constant slew of "THE NEW, THE EXCITING, THE CHANGING" is what drives me to live.

I realize this writing is not getting me anywhere through this post. It is just something I wanted to report on. I have a feeling that not many people, if anyone, read this. It's quite boring. So I apologize. I'll have something better next time.

I decided that I needed to find a more healthy, geared area for me to write in. Yet an area that isn't privatized. An area very public and very out there. This is part of my ongoing therapy that takes me outside the little world of my journal. Outside of this protective bubble I have created for myself.

I have had depression on and off for quite a few years now. It has been something I can manage for the most part, but in dark moments it rears its ugly head and becomes quite overbearing in my everyday life. Recently I have chosen to go back into therapy and counseling again, but this time for the long run. With this, I feel I'll better be able to cope when times get hard, and not chose to fall into drastic measures like I have done before.

The past two weeks have been trying to the point where I attempted to take my life. I believed that I would never feel that low again. However, I did. It's hard to cope with your own self when you have such negative thoughts. I'm the type to look on the bright side of many situations, to look back and see that things weren't so bad. Yet I fell into my trap of depression and impulsively saw it fit to chose such a fate. And with this, I lost a growing and great relationship with someone I truly care about. I lost something because the other cannot face hardship. At least they cannot face a hardship that I am living with.

Yet with this, I have found hope. I chose on my own to go into therapy and be completely honest with a woman that I have never met before. With her help I was also able to come clean and be honest with my parents about how I have been feeling. By just taking a simple step, I feel freed. I feel better.

And despite being let down by some, I have learned that I have people around who love me throughout the ups and downs. I have lost support, but have gained so much more. Without them, I'm not so sure that my healing process would go as smoothly.

It's going to take time. It's going to take a lot of time. It's going to take my entire life. Depression is not something that can be healed, it is something that can be managed. It is an illness I will have for the rest of my life, yet by having a support system and the right tools, I can make out alright.

One thing I learned is that I shouldn't be striving to be happy. That's unrealistic. What I should be striving for is to be content. To be okay. To find some sort of peace within.

Despite learning the bad about who I am, I also am aware of such good that I contain. I do not just like myself, I love myself. I am an intelligent, driven, and talented young lady still full with untapped potential. I am compassionate and loving. I have a pretty little smile and warm, dark eyes. I'm silly and serious.

I also admire my willingness to give second chances and to forgive. Without this, I wouldn't be the person who I am. I am an individual who in the end believes in the goodness of people. There's a lot of bad out in the world, but I must hold out hope that people will do what's right. I wouldn't want to live any other way.